To start this off, I think I should set you up with a little something about me. I fucking hate the state of men nowadays.
This Topshop culture makes me want to stab every motherfucker in Hollyoaks just to prove that one man can take on an entire cast and crew of boys. I don't understand where straight guys get off on acting like giant faggots.
And when I say faggots, I don't mean homosexuals, I feel that word has transcended to just being an outright offence. I know plenty of gay men who are manlier than me, and I bench press tiger sharks, so that's pretty fucking manly right there.
But when most guys I see on the street are wearing tight jeans and caring more about their looks and wardrobe than their fucking girlfriends, I begin to question one thing:
What the fuck happened?
When I grew up, I had an older brother and a Dad who was brought up in Newcastle, and as such I would get hit and ripped on for doing something stupid. When I was REALLY stupid, I would even get punched in the face.
But I'm not made of glass, and that physical shock right there often deterred me.
We're animals, we were built big and strong, men that is, ladies are weak and inferior in comparison, but it's okay to say this, because women can't read, because their eyesight is based on movement. Or maybe that's vilociraptors?
I wish I was riding in that tank with Mr T from the Snickers advert, pulling up to people wearing bright pink jeans and throwing chocolate at them (although I would make sure they had spent the night in the freezer first to make them like little cocoa bricks).
I'm talking about the kind of guy who calls his Mum when his car breaks down, rather than popping the bonnet and looking at the guts of the machine as if he knew it from the arse of a cat.
Also, I had a cat for 22 years, so I happen to know what one looks like. Not in a weird way, just if you've ever had a cat, you know what I'm talking about, they are VERY confident in their assholes, and I never understand why. Even if I was a cat with no shame I still wouldn't go showing where I poop from to people, I'm not German.
I remember driving up to see Bloc Party three years ago, the day before my birthday (December 16th, don't forget) and I was on the M20, like one junction away from the M25 and suddenly my wheel went and my car started swerving.
I pulled over to the hard shoulder and found my rear passenger side wheel had burst. I had no idea how to fix a car, in Winter, on the side of a busy motorway near London, but I gave it everything and thirty minutes later after much swearing, my car had a new wheel fitted.
My best friend, who was in the car with me, didn't help because he was "freezing" so he sat in the passenger side.
This is exactly my point, when did men suddenly begin growing vaginas? The world already has 3.5 billion pussies, I really don't see why we're in such a rush to add some more post-birth.
The thing is, I can't hit these fuckers, because they'll just get me done by the fuzz. Say you're in the street and some little preppy gobshite makes a comment, self important, all dressed up by Mummy's magic plastic card. How sweet would it be if I could just lean in and smack the fucker in the nose?
Just imagine a world where people victimized arseholes in the street, they wouldn't condemn me, they'd applaud and nod in agreement. Chav's riding around on their bikes spitting on the street would be riding scared if it was legal for Joe Public to just crack one in the face, and then everyone ran to join in?
What a wonderful world if we all policed ourselves like this. I'm not talking about murder, just a punch, I mean being smacked in the face hurts like a bitch, I should know (and I'm sure you can imagine just by reading this) but it's not permanent. What will you remember more? A telling off, a word from the police, or a mob of the public slapping you about and unanimously proving that you're acting like a complete fucking arsehole?
It's not a perfect system, sure, but last time I checked, we didn't live in a perfect world.
Then again, maybe I just REALLY want to punch someone.
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