Now I'm not a total grouch, I had a good time last night and all that jazz, but there is one thing that I absolutely abhor about parties, I mean aside from having to be around other functioning human beings.
I drive, so thus I become designated driver, so I drank a little bit to get my party on, but for some reason I wake up feeling like someone has wrapped a warm piss-drenched towel around my brain. That is the best description I can come up with for how I'm currently feeling. I mean, lets stay away from the fact my stomach is now twirling like a fucking whirlpool of bile and my throat is tighter than a virgin asshole, but my head, oh sweet fuck my head.
So yeah, my big deal is drinking to excess. I get it, it's fun and it helps people cut loose, but this morning? Fucking eugh. The thing is, I'm not actually hung over enough to be considered a proper train wreck, it's like when you get a minor cold, a sore throat and puffy eyes. It sucks balls but no-one gives you sympathy, and you can't help thinking "if only I had a spot of aids then people would pay me some damn attention". It's like that, I can't complain about being hungover (well I can and currently am, but shut up) because there are people that are far, far worse than me, like when I went to pick up fast food for my girlfriend last night.
So I pulled up next to the place at around 4am, which was weirdly still open, but fair play. I had barely taken the keys out of my door after locking my car when some guy bundles into the passenger side door. I look up at him, wondering just what the hell was going on, but even he has no clue, this guy is smashed, like Greek plate at a wedding smashed. He took out his phone and looked at it but I'm not entirely convince he knew that what he was holding was a modern piece of technology or a live python because he started spinning like a 5 year old after a sugar binge.
Anyway, I walk inside to the pizza place and I sit down for a bit, just watching the world go by when I hear a thud from outside, so I take a look through the window and the same guy is now unintentionally planking on my car. I thought I heard him hurl, but thank Zeus he didn't. I really wanted to say something, it seemed the perfect opportunity to punch someone in a fight I couldn't possibly lose, but I'm not like that, although I really, really wanted to.
I should point out that this was still at 4am where, aside from whoever was in the pizza place, literally no-one else was around, the streets were 100% empty, which isn't even an exaggeration. The only person I saw walking on the drive home was a guy who I watched steal 6 cans of coke from the same pizza place I was in.
On that note, as I watched him steal the drinks, I was pretty tempted to tell the pizza guy, whatever the technical name is. Pizza bro? I dunno. Heh, rhyme. Anyway, I was thinking of a way I could subtly say something without getting into a big thing, I just wanted my bed, but the thief turned and started talking to me, about what we had got up to that night. He seemed to find it funny that I barricade some dong-hole into a room with a stepladder. Oh yeah, that happened too, I forgot that. I'm an arsehole at times, but general consensus is that he's a bigger arsehole so fuck him.
So we shot the shit and some Amy Winehouse lookalike stumbled in, meaning not only did she look like a drug-addled sailor tramp but also like she was a 6 month old rotting corpse who started asking in some form of garbled baboon-English if they were still open, completely ignoring the 'open' sign, and the fact that people were in there, ordering food. We took the piss out of her, she was too smashed to even know what was going on, and I then took my leave with my food and went home.
I ate, I slept, I woke, and now I feel like a decade-old pickled shit.
Happy New Year none-existent readership!
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